The Perpetual Three-Dot Column
The Perpetual Three-Dot Column
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by Jesse Walker

Sunday, January 02, 2005
PROOFS OF DUMBISM: "There are two Infinities," the composer Edgar Varese once wrote: "God and Stupidity." From that it follows that God is Stupid and that Stupidity is God.

Varese thus presaged the central tenets of Dumbism, a religion I invented as a boy. Its prophet was a Fisher-Price toy that I called Captain Cuckoo-Head; its bible, which I wrote in green crayon, began like this, more or less:
In the beginning there was Captain Cuckoo-Head, and he was stupid.

And the earth was without form, and void, and stupid; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Captain Cuckoo-Head moved upon the face of the waters.

Then Captain Cuckoo-Head said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. And Captain Cuckoo-Head saw the light, that it was stupid.
It went on like that for a while. I can't remember how much of it there was.

If I had been a little older, I might have extended the theology by constructing proofs for its doctrines. There are, for example, the widely accepted facts that God created man in his own image and that man is profoundly stupid; therefore, God must be stupid too. Furthermore, if you visit any nursery you will observe that it is at our moment of creation that we are dumbest: incapable of speech, barely capable of movement, completely ignorant of both literature and mathematics, more dependent on others than the most helpless invalid. And surely it is in this state of natural stupidity, when we are most unsullied by the corruptions of civilization, that we are closest to the Lord's own image.

Mankind is also very smart, of course, but intelligence and stupidity, the Dumbist theologian would argue, are independent variables. Being smart does not prevent you from being stupid. Some of the smartest people I know are also some of the dumbest jackasses on the planet. I'm a pretty smart cookie myself, and I know first-hand what a fucking moron I am.

On the other hand, many people are not particularly smart and not particularly stupid; they've attained a sort of cosmic mediocrity. This puts them in the camp of Satan. The good Dumbist's duty is to battle these servants of the Enemy with the most potent weapon he has: his stupidity. To that end, we have infiltrated the civil service.


posted by Jesse 7:10 PM
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