The Perpetual Three-Dot Column
The Perpetual Three-Dot Column
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by Jesse Walker

Tuesday, August 19, 2003
SELF-PROMOTION: I just published a
piece on the Reason site about the strange career of W. Lee "Pappy" O'Daniel: '30s crooner, Texas governor, and precursor to the current California circus. If I had more space, I might've gotten into the career of another country balladeer turned politician, Gov. Jimmie "You Are My Sunshine" Davis of Louisiana -- and perhaps even cited the Robert Byrd fiddle album a fellow DJ showed me back in my college-radio days.

Speaking of Texas, a low-power radio station there interviewed me Sunday afternoon, mostly about the politics and economics of broadcasting. A recording of the interview is now online.


posted by Jesse 6:58 PM
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HE'S GOT THE CHARISMA, THE WOMEN, THE GERMANOPHILE DAD...: What does it say that the most successful Kennedy in American politics right now is Arnold Schwarzenegger?


posted by Jesse 3:09 PM
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Saturday, August 16, 2003
KEN MIND, BEGINNER'S MIND: Kenny Rogers is not the world's most talented singer. I know that. I'm not a fan of the man. Really. But if you grew up in a certain place and time, a series of Kenny Rogers songs have imprinted themselves on your brain, and there's no drugs or therapy that will remove them. Senility will come, and you'll forget your mother's name and your brother's face and how to use the toilet, but those mediocre hits will still be with you to the end.

Now, "The Gambler" is actually a pretty good song, so I don't feel particularly embarrassed that, prompted by R. while lollygagging in bed this morning, I was able to cough up at least 90% of the
lyrics. I'm not nonplussed that I was able to describe in considerable detail Rogers' performance of the song on The Muppet Show, where he was joined by a life-sized purple gambler muppet. I'm not even ashamed to have repeated the final chorus a few more times than was necessary, nor to have launched into the tale of how, after the gambler-muppet died, his ghost returned to sing along at the end of the sketch. I am the sum of my experiences, and watching this as a child obviously had a significant impact on me. Who knows what personal accomplishments would have been impossible if it hadn't been for Kenny and his purple puppet friend?

What embarrasses me is that, following further prompting, I was able to recall the entire chorus to "Islands in the Stream." What vitally important facts have I forgotten because the necessary brainspace was occupied by that?


posted by Jesse 11:20 AM
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Tuesday, August 12, 2003
BEYOND ARNOLD: Someone's got to squash this Reason-loves-Arnold
meme before it spreads too far. I can't speak for the whole staff, but if there's a shared position here I don't think it's pro-strongman so much as it's pro-circus. I'm happy to have Schwarzenegger in the race, but my own sympathies are torn between the guy from TSOL and Father Guido Sarducci.

Those two sentimental favorites aside, there's a sad-sack quality to the also-rans that's a little depressing, though it makes the contest all the more fun. Are there any minor celebrities in California who haven't entered the race? This is starting to turn into one of those events where people sign up thinking it'll be a boost to their fledgling or sagging careers, and then more has-beens and never-weres join in, and suddenly you look around and wonder how you got to be surrounded by all these losers. And then it hits you: You're a loser, too.

Unless, of course, you happen to have a shot at winning.


posted by Jesse 1:04 PM
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Wednesday, August 06, 2003
DECENTRALIST RANT: I published a
piece on the Reason site today about "smart growth" and regionalism. This is a topic I used to write about a lot, but I moved away from it after smart-growth booster Al Gore started giving speeches on the topic, prompting other reporters to realize that there was a story here. Now Gore's brief crusade is forgotten, and the subject isn't getting the national attention it received a few years ago. But the movement's still out there, even if it doesn't have a major presidential candidate carrying its water.

The regionalists like to claim that we're entering a new era, one in which power will simultaneously flow upwards, to the global level, and downwards, to the metropolitan region. But if we follow their prescriptions, power will only flow upwards. National power, as they suggest, would be restricted by multilateral agreements and international bodies. Municipal power, meanwhile, would be absorbed by cross-jurisdictional agreements and regional bodies. The two processes reflect each other, like a fractal pattern. As above, so below: both local and national sovereignty get the shaft.

The regionalists have got things exactly backwards. The cities don't need more centralization, but less. We shouldn't hand the suburbs to the same giant governments that have wrecked so many cities. We should allow urban neighborhoods the same self-determination that the suburbs already enjoy.

There are several ways to do this. One is simple secession -- allowing a neighborhood or group of neighborhoods to incorporate and take over the city's tasks. If it doesn't have enough resources to handle a service, let it privatize, or contract with its former municipal overlord. Or perhaps it won't secede outright. Perhaps it could score itself an exemption from the city's provision of some services (and the taxes that pay for them), which it could then either provide itself or turn over to competing private companies.

The city can privatize services too, of course, bypassing the neighborhoods. I don't mean contracting out to an independent company. I mean getting the government out of the service entirely. When this happens, the problem of jurisdictional boundaries -- bête noir to the regionalists -- just disappears. No one wonders at the fact that Taco Bell manages to operate stores in both Dallas and Fort Worth. No one is shocked when a shoe store in Tacoma buys stationary from a supplier in Seattle, or when businesses in Flint trade with their counterparts in Ypsilanti. Why not apply the same principle to public policy?

What these approaches have in common is that they require city planners to give up control. Not to streamline bureaucracies. Not to "steer, not row." To abdicate. To drop the Progressive Era notion that it is possible and desirable to turn government over to a class of neutral, professional philosopher-managers.

And that, alas, is not on the regionalist agenda.


posted by Jesse 5:03 PM
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IN MEMORIUM: Today's posts are dedicated to all the Japanese civilians killed on this date in 1945. If hell existed, they'd be the first 230,000 reasons why Harry Truman would be there now.


posted by Jesse 3:23 PM
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Tuesday, August 05, 2003
RECOUNTING THE RECOUNT: Keith Halderman
takes issue with my comment that "both sides were trying to steal an election" three years ago. I really don't want to get into this, because there are few topics I find as tiresome as the Florida recounts. I'll just repeat an syllogism I've spouted a few times before:

1. Petty theft goes on in virtually every election, on both sides.

2. In a statistical tie, petty theft is enough to swing an election.

3. Therefore, if a vote is close enough, whoever loses can make a good case that he was robbed. And whoever won could've make a good case, had he lost, that he was robbed.

I'm bored silly by Gore voters (and Nader voters) who claim that Bush didn't "really" win in 2000, as though there were some Platonic ideal winner out there on some parallel plane. Elections are power struggles, fought on far more levels than asking for votes. Bush won the power struggle, so he won the election. I'm not interested in refighting that battle, and not just because I didn't have a dog in the fight.

But I'm not going to pretend that it didn't get ugly along the way.


posted by Jesse 12:10 PM
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Monday, August 04, 2003
PEOPLE SEND ME E-MAIL: A woman named Maria writes:

Give me your honest opinions just tell me what you think of one of my ideas I have more but here is the one I want to change about Disney. The maximum height of Mickey mouse is 4'6-5'2 (and it is proven by Disney World); I think the height of Mickey Mouse should be from 4'6-5'6. It won't be possible for him to scare the kids cause Mickey is Mickey everyone's favorite mouse. Even though his head is bigger then the costume still Mickey is Mickey the cutest mouse I know millions of tall character with big costume heads and no one is afraid of them like chip and dale. But if they can't change the height ranges I have another idea, I just thought of another idea and I hope you like it. Do you think instead of them changing the height ranges for Mickey and Minnie do you think they could let the tall people let them play Mickey a once in a year type of thing or I had another idea do you think they could allow the tall people to be in shows and parades only? For example I think they should use a tall Mickey for the show Fantasmic. Admit it, if Mickey was 5'5 or 5'6 the people all the way in the back can see Mickey perfectly. And nobody will know the difference cause hey Mickey is Mickey you know. And everyone wants to be our beloved mouse so hey do you think this is a good idea? Do you agree just share your opinion.

Note to Maria: If I haven't written you back yet, it's because I'm still mulling what to do with an unexpected query received the day before:

My name is Robert, and I go by the film name Daddy Big Bucks. I am an amateur gay male adult porno actor, and I seek to audition for gay adult films.

Can you assist me, or barring that, can you send me to someone who can help me?

If you have a question,
send it in. I can't guarantee I'll reply to it, but if it displays a sufficiently low level of pertinence I just might post it here.


posted by Jesse 4:38 PM
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Sunday, August 03, 2003
THROW HIM OUT: I thought I was being clever Thursday when I
contrasted the Democrats' take on Florida 2000 (stopping an election is bad!) with their line on the California recall (stop this election!). Then I learned the recall-bashers hadn't forgotten Florida -- in fact, they're warning that we might see its worst moments repeated, with corrupt and/or incompetent election workers barring likely Democratic voters from the polls. As Matt Welch notes, this would be a lot more plausible if the coming contest wasn't to take place in a state run by Democrats.

My take on Florida 2000 was that both sides were trying to steal an election so close that any victory could be chalked up to theft. Bush won, so the Gore partisans get to grumble that their man was robbed; if Gore had come out on top, the die-hard Bushniks would have been just as entitled to bitch. The legal battle merely underscored how well distributed the rot was: a state Supreme Court dominated by Democrats bent the law to help Gore, and then a federal Supreme Court dominated by Republicans bent the law even further to reverse the earlier decision.

The recall, on the other hand, is a salutory burst of populism -- and with the Republican vote likely to be split among several candidates, it's hardly certain that it's going to end up pushing the state to the right. (This is one reason why the left's willingness to parrot the DNC's anti-recall line is so embarrassing. As Marcelo Rodriguez points out, this saga could conceivably end with California getting a Green governor.) Part of me doesn't care who get elected, partly because I don't live in the state anymore and thus don't have to face the consequences (nyah nyah), but also because just about anyone, left or right, would be an improvement over the sleazy bastard running things now. Yes, even Larry Flynt.


posted by Jesse 6:20 PM
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SELF-PROMOTION: I have no new articles to report, but the old ones are turning up again in various alternative weeklies. The Cleveland Free Times has
reprinted an essay -- now slightly out of date, alas -- on video games and moral panics, while the editors of Creative Loafing Charlotte have abridged my recent piece on customized religion and made it their cover story.


posted by Jesse 2:54 PM
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FILM CORNER: The Road to Bali (Hal Walker, 1952): I thought I'd seen all the Crosby/Hope/Lamour
road movies, but there this was, staring at me from the hastily assembled "Bob Hope, R.I.P." shelf at the video store. So I rented it. Turns out the Road to... formula was starting to wear a little thin by the '50s. Or maybe it's just my general preference for the pictures of the '40s over the pictures of the decade that followed. But the laugh-to-bomb ratio is out of kilter on this one, and it's only in the last half-hour that it really picks up.

Then again, once it picks up it gets pretty good. Fans of gay subtexts will enjoy the sequence in which Hope and Crosby are tricked into marrying each other, an act that offends the local volcano god and prompts a lava-flinging eruption. The Pope should thus be pleased that the film reflects his views on same-sex unions -- though not, I presume, his views on volcano gods.

Punch and Judy (Jan Svankmajer, 1966): One of the most accessible experimental filmmakers, Svankmajer is obsessed with sex, digestion, death, regurgitation, childhood anxieties, decaying old buildings, fetishes, rocks, and nails. You can watch this play out over the course of the wonderful Collected Shorts of Jan Svankmajer, two DVDs that anyone even remotely interested in surreal cinema should watch.

I won't write a film-by-film review of the set, but I will single out Punch and Judy as one of the best entries in the package. The famous puppets battle each other in an environment akin to a Cornell box, their familiar fighting gradually evolving into something more like a ghost story. It's brilliant, funny, spooky, and weird.

CaddyShack (Harold Ramis, 1980): Not one of my favorite movies. Still, it was on TV last week, and I watched it just to see if it had improved since I was 13. It hadn't, though it's kind of engaging in a Holy shit, when did this flick become a period piece? way. The strangest thing about it: Is it just me, or does Rodney Dangerfield act and talk a lot like Mae West? Sure, their central schticks are different: Rodney Dangerfield does not pretend to be sexy, and Mae West knows how to command our respect. But so help me, they carry themselves the same way.

Or maybe I was just drunk.


posted by Jesse 2:48 PM
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Saturday, August 02, 2003
THE RICH FLAVOR OF UNLAWFUL BEHAVIOR: Tonight I ate my first
unpasteurized cheese. Is this what grown-ups do instead of smoking pot?


posted by Jesse 10:31 PM
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Thursday, July 31, 2003
THE SUN KING: Sam Phillips died yesterday. I don't doubt that men as talented as Elvis Presley, Charlie Rich, Howlin' Wolf, Ike Turner, and Johnny Cash would have found their way into the public eye without Phillips' help. But for one man at a tiny independent label to discover so many incredible musicians -- well, that suggests he had a certain talent of his own. And to record both black and white performers in the segregated south, and to actively encourage the interpenetration of their styles -- most famously with Presley, but perhaps most fruitfully with Rich: that suggests a real awareness of how to create great music, as opposed to merely making a successful record. Rest in peace, Sam. We owe you a lot.


posted by Jesse 6:38 PM
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THOSE DASTARDLY REPUBLICANS: I still get press releases saying the GOP pulled off a coup in 2000 by halting an election. Now I'm getting more spam from the same places, saying the California Republicans are trying to pull a coup by holding an election. Which is it, folks?


posted by Jesse 10:39 AM
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Saturday, July 26, 2003
HAVE YOU DRIVEN A FNORD LATELY?: We went to see the
artcars today. There's always a few of these parked around the American Visionary Art Museum, once-standard vehicles that have been pasted, painted, sculpted, and covered with stones, phones, toys, severed doll-arms, or anything else the driver fancies. But they congregated there today, some from Baltimore and some from far away: they parked there for an hour then paraded en masse to Artscape, an annual festival that I'd be visiting right now if it weren't so bloody hot outside.

Everyone's seen customized cars before, and some of them are amazing sights. But these are far madder than that. There's a van decorated with eerie sculptures, all of them made from melted buckets; a car covered with Finster-style portraits of soul, country, and early rock'n'roll stars, plus Jesus; a black auto coated with handwritten jokes and Discordian slogans, its Ford logo altered to say Fnord. One car has a note attached to it explaining why the driver decided to join the artcar movement. Another bears a note saying that artcars aren't a fucking movement, thank you, and he doesn't get any grants to do this, and no, he's not some damn hippie. It also asked for donations.

"People speed up when they drive past me, to get a better look at my car," one guy explains. "So I slow down, and then they slow down too. I can't shake them." He pauses. "I've missed so many exits that way."

This is what I like about Baltimore.


posted by Jesse 2:19 PM
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Thursday, July 24, 2003
SELF-PROMOTION: I have a
short item about the BBC on the Reason website today.


posted by Jesse 7:15 PM
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IMAGINARY ESSAYS: Has it really been a week since I've posted anything here? To make up for lost time, here's the things I meant to write but haven't gotten around to:

* a glowing review of a wonderful DVD,
The Collected Shorts of Jan Svankmajer;

* my response to the suddenly popular question, "Is Google God?";

* my take on the Niger-uranium scandal; and

* a rant about that self-promoting buffoon Dick Morris.

Stay tuned: I may yet produce any or all of those essays-in-potentia. Well, not the bit about Niger and uranium -- Josh Marshall ended up writing that one for me.


posted by Jesse 1:02 PM
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For past entries, click here.


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