The Perpetual Three-Dot Column
The Perpetual Three-Dot Column
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by Jesse Walker

Sunday, September 22, 2002
SEE YOU IN THE FUNNY PAGES: Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to be in a comic strip -- to shoot planes with Snoopy, or eat catfish with Pogo, or maybe explore Reagan's brain with the cast of
Doonesbury. This weekend I got my wish, though not on so central a cartoon stage: I was quoted in the Saturday edition of Mallard Fillmore, a right-wing comic whose author apparently read an article I wrote last month about the Northern snakehead, the infamous fish that can breathe air, slither on land, and eat virtually anything you put in front of it.

The cartoon reports that I've "found a free-market solution to the problem of controlling the Chinese snakehead fish population: apparently, the fish are delicious!" Delicious they are, but I never said that this would keep their numbers down. If anything, their U.S. population would vastly increase if word were to get out as to how tasty they are. That's the way market incentives work. A small point, perhaps, but if you're going to use me to set up a lame gag about lawyers, you might as well get your facts right.

Anyway, this isn't actually the first time I've been in a cartoon. In college, my friends Marty and Woody wrote me into Full Moon Over McDonald's, a strip they did for the Michigan Daily. By their account, I was part of a "coalition of evil," along with the university president, a corporate CEO, and Ernie's rubber duckie. I don't remember what exactly we were conspiring to do, but it apparently involved flying sheep. (Marty and Woody were prone to cartooning while under the influence of verboten chemicals.)

Mallard Fillmore is in a much bigger league, circulation-wise. Humor-wise, I have to say I prefer my friends' efforts. Still, a debut is a debut. Maybe next month I'll share a lasagna with Garfield. The month after that, Zippy the Pinhead could converse with an enormous roadside replica of my head. And after that...dare I say it...a torrid affair with Blondie?

Good grief!


posted by Jesse 12:26 AM
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